Emotional Intelligence: Awareness, Regulation, and Real-Life Growth

Let’s Be Real About Emotional Intelligence 

emotional intelligence was common sense, we wouldn't all be grown adults who crashout. Like let's be for real! A lot of people lack emotional awareness, emotional regulation, or just plain old social skills. Who am I kidding…I still struggle with all these things. But I am trying to improve them because 2023 me can never come back, babes. 

Quick fact: did you know that asking for help is a social skill? Like come on, hyper-independent baddie in her healing era over here, so you know social skills isn’t my strength. 

What Emotional Intelligence Actually Looks Like in Real Life

Here are a few real-life examples that lack emotional intelligence. We have grown adults, in relationships where, when they are having challenging conversations with their partner, they lack the ability to keep the discussion going. They shut down, or escalate like the little angry emotion on the Inside Out movie.

Don’t even get me started on professionals not being able to handle criticism or challenging questions. After those hard interactions, professionals colleagues’ brain gets the spinning wheel of emotional crash out or anxious about the aftermath of the discussion. Last but not least, your big sister starts crashing out after one comment you made about a conversation that happened weeks ago (lol, I’m the big sister). 

What Is Emotional Intelligence, Really?

Okay, so let me break it down for you. Emotional intelligence is the act of you being able to identify, understand, control, and express your emotions. Emotional intelligence is like a burger with many ingredients. 

Sadly, I could only think of a food comparison lol.

Core Components of the Emotional Intelligence Burger

Within the burger, we have our good sis emotional awareness, emotional regulation, and social skills. Plus a few more (empathy and decision-making) but those aren’t what I want to chat about today….. So guess what, I’m not. 

Breaking Down Emotional Awareness, Regulation, and Social Skills

Let me give you the back story of emotional intelligence. 

Emotional awareness is your ability to recognize and understand your emotions. Not only that but recognize what caused those emotions. 

Emotional regulation is your ability to manage everything that you feel and your actions after whatever has taken place. 

Social skills is your ability to use both of these things in social interactions. 

A Real-Life Example 

Okay, are you still with me stinkabutt? Let me give you an example to keep you in the loop. 

A family member keeps saying something slick about your outfit at a summer cookout. The booty shorts or hoochie daddy shorts always get the conversations jumping. 

Emotional regulation in the moment 

Emotional awareness is your ability to identify that your family member is getting on your nerves and you may be getting ready to say something slick back. Emotional awareness also includes that you realize you don’t care what they are saying about your clothes but you are more irritated that they ALWAYS have something smart to say (understanding the emotion and recognizing the cause).

Emotional regulation is gathering your thoughts and flipping the table over immediately ...just kidding, slow down pookie lol. 

Emotional regulation is what you choose to do next babes. Emotional regulation is your ability to either walk away, process how you feel, and return to discuss it without being rude. Or, recognizing your emotions then and there and taking calm, cool, and collected with aunty. I mean you can always walk away and never say anything too. 

Personally, I walk away from anything that gets my brain rambling. I think about it without impulsive actions streaming through my brain, and then return to it or move forward because truly, everything doesn’t deserve a conversation. Sometimes I think more than 24 hours or longer because emotions are unpredictable. 

Social Skills During (or After) 

The conversation that you have with aunty during or after is the social skills part of emotional intelligence. The active listening, the appropriate verbal communication of what you didn’t appreciate, and don’t forget the non-verbals (fix your face when speaking, pooh. We can read your face too lol). 

Unexpected Side Effects of Improving Emotional Inllegience 

Now that I have given you the details, plus a little example of what emotional intelligence is, let's talk about the two side effects of improving your emotional intelligence. 

When I started to improve my emotional intelligence baby everything changed, including two important things.

1. People interactions

2. Alone time 

   
   

How Emotional Intelligence Changed My Interactions With People

Before my I was able to improve my emotional intelligence, I was always on the defense, I was quick to get smart, and my anger……. Ooooooo baby, my anger was out of this world. But stinkabutt, it's important for you to remember I am not perfect and I still struggle with emotional intelligence. Don’t even get me started on the anger. 

However, now that I have learned and worked towards improving my emotional intelligence I feel like I try to converse with others more. I am able to let my shoulders down a little more and just converse without always feeling like what others project or say has anything to do with me. 

I am able to discuss challenging topics at work or with family members without escalating or being triggered quickly. I am easily triggered obviously lol. But the important concept out of this, is that I have been improving social relationships which is key when experiencing any mental health struggles and developing self growth. 

Why Emotional Intelligence Makes Alone Time Better

This is my favorite part! Emotional intelligence improves the time I spend alone, which is often because I am an introvert. 

Now that I have learned to think, identify, and express emotions to the best of my ability I am able to spend my time doing other things. You know, instead of spending so much time thinking about the interaction that pissed me off, or going crazy about what I should’ve done or said. 

I spend my time actually enjoying my silence, my peace, my TikTok scroll, and movies. I am not distracted by challenging, triggering, or just plain out annoying conversations. Ok, ok, puddin pop, I sometimes replay conversations in the shower and think about how I should’ve crashed out on a…… rather than being emotionally intelligent. But progress is progress so let me live. Thank you!

This is all to say, emotional intelligence doesn’t mean you will always have a grip on your emotions or actions. It just means that you took the time to pause, to think before you speak, to think before acting out based on your emotions alone. Learning and improving your emotional intelligence just shows that you are able to manage and give yourself grace when aunty tries you next time.

Some days we will still replay conversations, we may still feel triggered, and we may still crash out. But, the difference is that we recognize it and we strive to improve it. That is awareness, that is growth, and that is progress over perfection. So I feel we are doing just fine stink!

If this resonated, you’re not alone. Share your thoughts, a moment you recognized your own emotional intelligence (or lack of it), or what you’re currently working on. Let’s normalize learning out loud.